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A Cat's Guide to Training Your Human

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.

After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black wool clothing.

For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to clothing or use a quick nip on the ankle.

When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, but is known to humans as hampering.

Following are the rules for hampering:

A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.

B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a homemade toy!

C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or grab the yarn in your mouth. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn, but don't be fooled by this maneuver. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

PLAY: Play is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o'-the-hill on their bed between 2 AM and 4 AM.

MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. Good luck!

Thanks to Wally Petsch


Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.

9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.

8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.

7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.

6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education.

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.

3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number 1 reason:

1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.

Thanks to Dawn Myfanwy Cohen


Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the
modem.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou
are transparent.

Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital
region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as
thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is
sitting down.

Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to
escape at any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that house
plants are not meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

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